woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
