Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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