The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
