So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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