Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
