everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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