I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
