New low: just hacked my moms facebook
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
