Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
