I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
