Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
