my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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