someone get that fucking seahorse.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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