Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
