my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
