My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
