Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
