Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
