well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
