you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
