today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
