stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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