I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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