TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
