Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Two words: nipple clamps
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