If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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