Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
