did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
