I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
