I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
