i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
