I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
im on a boat
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