good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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