i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
