I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
too bad you live with your parents still
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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