Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
