She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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