Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
