party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
