i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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