The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We talked him into tasing himself.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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