my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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