I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
