Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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