If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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