Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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