im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
