I think I won the penis lottery.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
