The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
