im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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