I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
