my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
