These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
